Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
