Betty ford says i'm here all night
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
