giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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