Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
