Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
