I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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