I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
