I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
