I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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