Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
