Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
