In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He better not be in your backpack
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
