Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
