I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
