She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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