She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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