i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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