Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
