I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
