What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
