Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
