I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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