I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
