You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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