i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
