I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
