I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You can't just leave with hair like that
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
