Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
