I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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