She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I need moral support for this bender
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
