when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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