if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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