The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
