and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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