I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
