I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
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He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
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When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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