hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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