I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
