Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
