R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
