Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
