I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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