Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
they're like a gay fantastic four
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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