I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
