Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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