drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
