You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
