I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
