Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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