I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
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believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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