So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
