Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
