if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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