She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
