If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
God, I missed his penis.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
