You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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